When I walked in to find my 19 month old tearing clothes out of her drawer, before I said anything, she stood up looked at me and said, “go away!”
I laughed in the moment because it hadn’t yet registered for me.
Both kids were playing a little while after and they began to argue over a toy. My son looked at my daughter and, after claiming rightful possession of a toy that was yanked from him, he turned his body away from her and looked back and sighed, “…just go away…”
Later that night, after being asked a million and one times about dinner while I was trying to get it on the table I stopped mid sentence when I told my 3 year old to stop asking questions and…just go away…
It stopped me in my tracks because at that moment I realized why they were saying it. What I didn’t realize was why I was saying it so much and so often.
I could actually go through moments of the day and replay them all in my head. I was getting so easily overwhelmed and needed space and time to pick up whatever mess was made, complete whatever task was at hand or breathe by myself in my own space for. just. one. minute.
We don’t get a lot of our own space with little ones around. They are needy by nature and sometimes it just feels like too much.
When my to-do list just keeps growing and something is thrown at me, I get flustered. Needless to say, this happens just about hourly, if not more, in my house.
But when I sat down and joked with my husband about the this new, all too common, phrase in our house…he said something that stopped me dead in my tracks again…
“Babe, you said it to me like 5 minutes again.”
What was wrong with me? Why was I constantly telling the people I love most to go away?
The guilt. The emotions. They all just flooded me.
And now, I sit here, after a few days of be aware of how many “go away”s come out of my mouth and I can answer my own questions…
I didn’t want them to really go away. I wanted space. I wanted less hands to “help” me at that moment. I wanted to focus on completing a task before getting distracted by another. I wanted to sit without having hands and feet all over.
I’m not quite sure why this phrase has hit me the way it has, I think it’s because I really don’t ever want them to go away. Going away seems so final to me and, in the end, I always want to keep my family close.
I just want them to let it be for a minute.
So, I decided that would be my new phrase…not “go away” or “leave me alone”…
Just let it be, baby. I’ll take care of it. I may not be the happiest while I am doing it, but I’ll take take care of it. I’m the mama and I will take care of it. That’s what mamas do.
Just let it be.
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