To the lonely mom looking for friends

You’re sleep training your child whether you think you are or not
September 21, 2017
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I know that you have friends it’s just that they are either far away or probably in a different phase of life right now. And it doesn’t discount their friendship and their worth to you.

It just doesn’t make them physically present.

And that’s what we really need at the end of our long, exhausting days.

Someone to be there and listen and talk about nonsense with.

Someone who actually cares what you’re talking about and is genuinely invested in your life.

But it’s not just who they are with you that counts.  You want them to care about your kids too right?

And an added benefit would be that your kids REALLY get along because then maybe, just maybe, you could have that fantasy of girl time during kid time come true.  That one where the kids are off playing and it’s technically a “play date” but we all know it was really just an excuse for you to get together with HER, your mommy BFF.

But that doesn’t actually happen all that often.

Instead, we join mommy groups searching for her.
We go to the playground hoping to strike up a conversation with her.
We attend events that we aren’t even interested in because we think she might be there.
We become over the top, and moderately obsessed, with any woman that shows any interest in even becoming a friend, let alone the one.
We sit and, not noticeably, stare at the moms that seem to have this and long for the day it will be ours.
We join the PTO.
We go to playdates.
We show up.
We chat.
We step out of our comfort zones.

And yet we still turn up empty handed.

We have friends but we don’t have our mommy soul mate.

Have you stopped to think it’s because those relationships don’t happen nearly as much as we think they do.  In a quick google search it turned up a stat of over 80% of moms claim they’re lonely in the friendship department, that they don’t have any real mom friends.

That’s astonishing to me and the lonely mom part of me says it can’t be true because I read, see and hear about all these relationships every. single. day. 

But mom’s are still saying they’re lonely, that they aren’t fulfilled.

Why??

Being a huge Brene Brown fan and rereading some of her books recently it occurred to me, even if we do go out of comfort zone and show up and that’s a big if because don’t always even do that…show up.  But if we do show up, it’s not like the magic just happens, and I think it has a lot to do with how much vulnerability we expose at these times.

We don’t want to be the needy one.
We don’t want to be the dramatic one.
We don’t want to be the weird one.
We don’t want to be the odd ball.
We don’t want to be unlikable.

But that’s it right there.

All we really want to be is likable.

We. want. to. be. liked.
We want to belong.

And we don’t talk about it but the statistics tell us that 8/10 women we are in a room with are feeling the same way. 

BUT WE DON’T CONNECT….because we don’t REALLY put ourselves out there.

When was the last time you sat down with one of the moms in one of these groups and heard/said, “there’s a big piece of me that feels like it’s dying because I am craving social connection with someone else that gets it.”

Probably never because it’s kind of an odd thing to say at a coffee date where the kids are running amuck, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t need to be said.

We need to reach out.
We need to make those connections.
But to do it, we MUST be vulnerable.
In the end, what do we REALLY have to lose?  Friends????

Next time, don’t just show up but talk and bare yourself a little bit…there’s nothing dishonest or unnatural about that.

xoxo,

Bethany

P.S. Yes, this is me showing up and baring it a little bit and it is terrifying as hell

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