Every night I go to bed and I think to myself, “tomorrow you will do more, you will be more.”
And every morning I struggle. To get out of bed. To pour milk. To make breakfast.
Being a mom is hardest for me in the mornings.
Both of my kids wake up with energy. Snuggley, happy, let me be touching you as much as I possibly can type of energy.
Me? I’m not a morning person. I struggle to be productive in the mornings and I know I’m tough to be around when I first wake up.
I don’t like to talk. I don’t like to touch. I just need time. I need time to wake up and find myself through the fog of exhaustion that still lurks over me.
And this really bothers me.
It bothers me so much that every night I try to make a promise to myself to change who I am and, as a result, I set myself up for failure.
Because mornings are just not something I am good at. I don’t like them.
But it’s really hard to not be good at mornings when you’re a mom. Because in the mornings the kids want you and need you. They want to be on you, they want to be taken care of, they want you to play with them. They want to reconnect after 10-12 hours away from you.
They don’t understand waiting until 9 am. So, instead the guilt showers over me every time I have to pour milk, prepare breakfast or wipe a bum before my mind is ready to function.
Unlike other jobs where it is fine to proclaim, “I hate my job,” it doesn’t feel okay to wake up and say, “I hate this” when it’s your kids you’re taking care of.
And I don’t hate it. I just don’t love that part of my day, but it has nothing to do with taking care of my children. It has everything to do with me and who I am. I don’t like mornings.
But I think as I sit here and write this, while my mind is coming out of the fog and before either of my children are really awake (even though one is lying with his head rested on my leg), I’m more comfortable accepting and saying that I don’t like that part of my day.
So, tonight I’ll try not to promise myself to do more in the early hours. I’ll promise myself to take care of my children, to the best of my ability, all day long. I will be the best that I can possibly be at that moment, even if it isn’t better than the me I was yesterday.
I know I love my children and I believe deeply that they know that, too. And that’s enough.
I just don’t like mornings.