Being needed, physically and emotionally, by someone can wear anyone down pretty quickly.
The constant need to touch, hold, reinforce, love, care and nurture someone even when you can’t stand the sight of them at the moment take a toll on you day in and day out.
Welcome to motherhood.
Motherhood is wearing me down at the very same moment it has given me life.
Being a mom is everything I’ve dreamed of and more. I love being a mom, but I am drained, feeling worn out and a little empty lately.
I have a bright, fun loving and adventurous 3 year old that quite literally never stops except to sleep and an almost 2 year old that is sweet, kind, loving and very strong willed.
As the rain moved in on us yesterday and prevented us from going outside to burn some energy, I sat on the couch with the two of them snuggled up to me. “This is nice..” I thought.
But it lasted for exactly 11 minutes. Eleven minutes, that’s it.
Then as soon as one started moving the other started. Next I was being climbed on and touched all over. I went over to the chair where there was no room to be climbed on or snuggled up against. It was a chair for one person and maybe a baby, but ther really wasn’t room for a toddler. That was my thought, but it didn’t work.
As my chair was being rocked for me and my feet stomped on, I told them “mommy just needs to sit alone. No touching right now. Let’s just watch the show.”
That was met with a whimpering face, “I just want to snuggle with you because I love you, mommy.”
Of course you do and that is so sweet. So I convince myself I’m the one that is being grumpy, they just want a little affection.
I’m worn and I’m tired.
This morning I brought my 3 year old that has been up since 6 am to his gym class where he gets dropped off for 2 hours. I needed the break. He was already driving me a little batty this morning. So, I bring him in and he immediately starts crying, he doesn’t want me to leave. He proclaims that he only wants me and tells me that he doesn’t want me to leave and I was hurting his feelings.
I walked him in and gave him a big kiss and he started to weep. I assured him I would be waiting for him when class was over. I walked out with tears in my own eyes. I needed the two hours to get a few things done that were easier without a 3 year old in tow. He needed the two hours to run and play and socialize on this rainy day. We both needed the time.
But he said the only thing he needed was me. And then I left.
I’m worn and I’m full of guilt.
I sit in my office to try and to get some work down. I can hear my husband telling the kids to let me be so I can do some work. I hear their feet patter close to the door, I see them eyes peak in as they are trying to hide so I don’t see them. When I say “hi guys!” I’m met with a slew of questions of what they would like me to do with them. When I send them back out to Daddy, within minutes, I can hear them asking for me again.
I’m worn but I am wanted.
I’m worn because I am needed.
Mothers are worn because we are needed.
Parents are worn because we are needed.
They want us to take care of them. They need us to take care of them. Just us because they trust us. They have put all of their eggs in one basket because we have taught them that we will always take care of them, we will always love them.
We are wanted, we are needed. What an honor. What a burden.
I would choose that burden any day to get to love my babies, but I also need some moments to breathe by myself. A moment to just be. I moment to brush off some of the dust. A moment to renew myself for them.
Knowing you are wanted and needed makes it all that more important to be a little selfish and take time for yourself, too.
Put on headphones, give them a big hug and kiss promising you will come back or enforce that you need your space in any given moment. Do it for you. Give yourself the space or time you need…in the end you’re doing it for them.
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